Unexpected life

So...remember the "placement that almost was?"  As many of you know from my Facebook page, he is now the placement that IS.  Meaning, an 11-month old little boy now lives at my house.  Christmas Eve will mark 2 full weeks with me.

In brief, it has been:

• A whirlwind
• Crazy
• Frustrating
• Tiring
• Wonderful

Little man came to me teething, sick, and scared as I was adjusting to no longer being just a single woman living alone.  Total life change for both of us.  It was ROUGH.  There were tears from both of us.  Then I got his cold and it got even harder.

Through the faithful prayers of friends and the listening ears of friends and my wonderful Mom and amazing helping hands, we made it through those first days.  

Now, I have a happy, healthy, giggly, BIG baby who is keeping me on my toes!  He's doing great at daycare and sleeps through the night like a rock star.  Tomorrow he has his first visit with his biological mom at a nearby park and then Sunday we fly to Indiana for 9 days for Christmas.  Prayers would be appreciated for both of those events.  I consider myself an expert packer and traveler, but this is a whole new ball of wax!  We fly at bedtime, so pray that my little rock star is able to sleep in my arms during the flight and transition well to the car and then to bed at my parent's house Sunday night.

PS - if you would like to see pictures of Baby H, message me and I'll send you a private link to a page of pics!

Feeling Like a Dud Foster Parent

So here's the thing.  I'm struggling with some guilt this week.  Not because of the 2 babies I almost got last week - as scary as it was, I was going to take them.

It's from the kids I turned down this week.  Even typing that sentence makes my heart twist.

During orientation and foster parent classes it was reiterated to us to know our limits.  Don't take a placement you know you can't handle or you are not set up for out of guilt.

Now I know why.  Because in the moment your heart aches, you may cry for the child - and you still have to say no.  It's AWFUL.

I decided that I would take either gender of child, ages 3 and under.  This week I have been called about a 6 year old boy, an almost 5 year old girl, and a 4 year old boy.

 There were multiple reasons I couldn't take these kids.  A big one is the age - since Christmas is just a few weeks away, I didn't want to take in a child and then leave them for 9 days and/or take them on a plane ride away to Indiana, completely disrupting their lives (not to mention a serious blow to my savings - last minute plane tickets, anyone?).  I'm not set up for older kids.  I have baby and toddler toys, clothes, etc...  One of the children was ready to be adopted.  I knew that I wasn't right for that.  I'm not ready to immediately adopt.  I'm not going into this to adopt every child.  If God opens that door and it is what is best for that child, then I will do it - but it is not my goal.  My goal is to offer a safe and loving home to children and be Jesus to them and their families.  Another child acts out sexually.  I am not ready for that.  Realistically, I'm 29, single, and chaste.  I have no training in this realm.  I know enough to know that this is out of my league (right now - I do want to be better equipped to help children who have been sexually abused someday).

So I feel like a dud foster parent.  A small part of me fears they will stop calling me if I keep saying no. The rational part of me reminds me that I did tell them 3 and under...that they know I will be here constantly from January on...that I even told them my preference to take any challenges except sexual abuse to begin with.  My heart aches for these little ones.  I pray that they found amazing homes for them.

I will continue to wait and jump 10 feet out of my skin every time my phone rings.  And relying on the beautiful prayers and encouragement of my family and friends.  And gaining some strength by re-watching this video:

I realize that this post and my last may make it seem as though I'm positively miserable.  While I may be jumpy when the phone rings, all in all I'm having a lovely Christmas season and enjoying time with friends.  Christmas shopping is done, goodies have been baked, and parties forthcoming.  Life is good, Jesus is amazing.  

The placement that almost was...and the one after

Last week I got THE call.  A 10 month old baby boy needed a home.  Would I be willing to take him the next day?

Excitement.  Fear.  Crazy running around.  I couldn't focus the whole rest of the day.  I was giddy.  I was nervous.  I texted everyone I could think of.  I posted on Facebook (161 likes and 56 comments, to date).  I kept thinking of all the things I didn't know about 10 month olds!  I talked to his social worker and she seemed so nice and excited I was taking him.  She'd been his case worker since birth and she seemed really fond of him.

My friend Emily came home with me that night and we cleaned, I bought bottles and snacks.  We switched the furniture in the kids' rooms so that the crib would be in the boy room - all of which involved removing the doors from their hinges because I couldn't find my allen wrench to take the crib apart.  I moved all the breakable ornaments on my Christmas tree up a few feet.  We washed all the boy clothes I had.

He was to come at 3 p.m on Friday.

I stayed home that day.  I watched a Beth Moore Bible study.  I cried.  I prayed.  I giggled.  By early afternoon I was so antsy that I went and got some bananas (good, basic, baby food) and some Chick Fil-A.  I know some of workers and they could tell I was particularly high strung, so they inquired, rejoiced with me and gave me free cookies.

Let me just take an aside here and say I am still overwhelmed by the outpouring of love, prayers, and well wishes I received about this.  WOW.  God is so good to me.

2:45 pm rolled around.  I was just finishing up my sandwich when my phone rang.  I looked in the driveway to see if maybe they were pulling in.  Nope.  I answered the phone.  The case worker, sounding very apologetic, told me that the judge had ruled that baby boy should go to a family member.  The day before it seemed like there were no family members left to take him.  I'm happy for him, truly I am - it's wonderful he still has family who loves him and will take care of him.

But boy was I disappointed.  And feeling like my Chick Fil-A cookies were now undeserved and shouldn't be eaten and that I had cried wolf on Facebook and text messages.  (I did eat the cookies though - I needed the chocolate).

A short time after I was called for a 2 month old boy.  I was so overwhelmed and confused by so many emotions at this point.  For over 24 hours I had been waiting for one baby boy.  Now, I'm asked to decide on another.  I asked for a couple minutes to pray about it.  I prayed, I knew - I would take him.  But my phone rang again before I could call them back (less than 2 minutes had passed) - a family was there dropping some things off, they were going to take the 2 month old baby home with them.

Roller coaster of emotions.

So here it is, 1 week later and I still don't have a placement and I'm feeling pretty sure again, that I won't have a placement until after I return from Indiana at Christmas.

Then again, who knows?

Life is happening!

• Approximately 1 year and 10 months since my boss said the immortal words, "We think you should pray about becoming a foster parent."

• 1 year, 5 months, and 16 days since I first told my parents I was going to become a foster parent.

• 7 months and 28 days since Foster Parent Orientation.

• 5 months and 2 days since I finished Foster Parenting classes.

• 4 months and 19 days since my Home Study.

While I was out of the country, out of phone reach, out of email reach - a message was left waiting for me on Wednesday, the 24th.  And this was waiting for me when I pulled in my drive this afternoon:

I will talk more with my licensing counselor this week about timing of taking placements - but it's for real now folks!  The State of Florida has deemed me fit.  I am praying that the Lord will equip me with everything I need to be so much more than the minimum that state requires.  Both the hardest and the greatest is ahead.

Thank you to all who have been praying with me in the journey thus far.

Time keeps on ticking, ticking, ticking...

Here is what I have.  Time.  Lots o' time on me wee little Irish hands.

Okay,  technically they are German-English-French-Irish American hands, but that takes longer to type.

Which I've now typed.  But it's okay, because I have the time to type it.  Catching on?

After 3 months in the local office, my application finally (!) got sent on to The Children's Network.  Last week, I was emailed some corrections and additional papers to sign for things to be finished up with them.  Currently, I have no idea where my application is!  Children's Network?  Florida Baptist?  DCFS?  No clue.  Every part of me wants to email my licensing counselor every day and ask.  But I'm trying to squelch that desire.

When I was getting ready for college I never called the school once with questions.  Never once.  Didn't occur to me.  I just figured I would learn what I needed to know when I needed to know it.  Same thing when I moved down to start with NMSI.  I don't think I ever emailed or called.  That was just how I rolled.  I went with it.

But now, right now - it takes everything in me not to call or email every second of every day.  Outwardly I project calm.  Inwardly, the wheels are turning.  When am I going to get licensed?  Why is it taking so long?  When am I going to get a placement?  Should I get a placement?  Am I really fit to be a parent?  Can I handle all these changes?  Will I turn into a crazy-eyed monster without sleep?  This is what happens when you have time on your hands.  Too much thinking!

The reality is, I have no idea when I'll get my first placement and I've stopped guessing.  I wrote my first post in this blog almost a year ago.  I decided to become a foster parent almost 2 years ago.  I'm still deeply excited and deeply terrified.  The reality is that I will be heading back to Indiana for 10 days at Thanksgiving for a conference, my best friend's wedding, and the holiday.  Then a few short weeks later return for Christmas.  That makes placement (if I do get my license somewhere in there) tricky.  Realistically 2012 will probably not be the year I become a foster parent.  I'm boxing up my dreams of sharing Christmas (my absolute favorite holiday) with a little one until next year.

With all this time on my hands, I do sometimes wander into doubting God's timing.  Yet, I work in a ministry where I see God's perfect timing play out time and again.  I'm thankful for that reassurance.  As the old saying goes, "I don't know what the future holds, but I know Who holds the future."  Praise God for that.

And I'll try to limit my emails and phone calls.

12 weeks...

and counting.   My application is still at the local office.  Sitting.  With several others.  It's been 4 weeks since I last posted and my status hasn't changed.

Life hasn't stopped though.

I've been to Kenya and back - awesome - amazing time.

Also, I currently have members of a Christian rock band (and wives!) sleeping on my pull-out sofa and in my guest room this week.  Their housing fell through at the last minute and since I currently don't have any foster kids, I could open up my home to the folks of Willet.  They play at Crosspoint tonight and it's been fun hosting them the past couple of days - it's not everyday you can say that you have a band sleeping on your couch!  They're great people and they have an AMAZING heart for service.  Great people, check them out - their song, "You are not just holy" is one of my favorites.  You can give it a listen on their website and see some of the awesome ministries they have started.  

That said, I AM thankful that God has been giving me many opportunities to use my house to bless people before I have foster children.  I know God is using this time to shape me into the Mom I need to be for whatever children He has for me to care for - just pray that I can have patience!!

If I had a nickel...

for every time I get asked:

• How's your adoption going? 

I would be rich.  The question, however well meaning, is inaccurate - I'm fostering!

Then again, if I got a nickel lately for every time lately I've been asked:

• When are you getting your first foster child?

I would still be rich!

It's honestly been a question I needed to address here but I've been dragging my feet.  Hurry up and wait is the name of the game these days.

I was so confident at the beginning of July.  I had just finished my second home study and been told that my file would be 1 week at the local office and then sent off to the Children's Network, where it would be another 3ish weeks.   That put me at getting my license early to mid-August, easily.  Since I had a trip to Kenya (leaving tomorrow!) I was confident telling people I would get my first child in early September.  

I should have known better.  You always hear the stories about it taking forever, delays, unexpected paperwork, lost paperwork, expired paperwork - but you listen to the stories from those who it took a month from home study to placement.   You hope and you make a timeline - one that makes sense, one that works for you.  

But life is messy.  And God's timing is very different than my own.  Right now I am sitting at 7 (seven!) weeks of my file being at the local office.  Even if it is sent early next week, I'm still looking at least another month.  

So now I have some decisions to make.  Because it's not neat and tidy in my mind anymore.  Here are the points I'm pondering:

• I have a conference at the end of October and I had originally thought taking a child with me would be doable, but because of short timing and a few international stops it's not a possibility.  I don't want to get a child and then turn around just a week or two later and leave them for a week.
• Rachel's wedding in Indiana at Thanksgiving time.  I will be going regardless.  Will I have enough time to get it squared away for me to take a child with me?  Will I need to get respite care instead?
• Christmas.  Hopefully less of an issue.  I will hopefully have enough time to square all of this away.

A few days ago I was sure that the decision would be to wait until after the New Year to begin.  Then, a few discussions later, maybe after the October conference.  Some have suggested that I do respite care  (giving care for foster kids when other foster parents need to travel or a break) until the conference or until the end of the year.  I'm mixed on that right now.  A huge part of me just wants to start.  For real start.  Not a few days in and a few days out.  But there is a need.  

So I have a lot to pray about and I also just have to wait and see when my license actually comes.  

So the answer to the question of when is I don't know.  At the end of last week I had quite a few frustrated tears over this.  But as for today,  I wait and pray, knowing God's timing is perfect - though I often wish He would let me borrow His watch!   Now, with some perspective, I am thankful for a little more time to prepare.  God is good.

Tomorrow I leave for Kenya to love on some kids.  I'm praying that my home is in one piece when I return (please be nice, Hurricane Isaac).   

After that, who knows?!  I'll keep you all posted.