Just call me Bipolar Momma.
Actually, no. Please don't call me that.
I am living, walking, breathing paradoxes right now.
When I finished my last Foster Parenting class on Tuesday, my instructor asked me if I was excited. It was clear how she came to that conclusion, I was bouncing, smiling, and chatting excitedly with my classmates. But what was my response?
"I'm terrified!" Granted, I was still smiling and excited. I was both. Fully and completely.
Welcome to paradox.
Life is filled with them. We teach children in global transition (I work* in missions) about paradox using a wonderful example from MTI - "Pair of Ducks." It's having a Yay Duck and a Yuck Duck at the same time. Excited and scared. Happy and Sad. Angry and peaceful. Those ducks come in handy. Even adults connect with that "pair of ducks" when they find themselves in life's paradoxes.
Tonight I shared a long list with my roommate and then my Mom about how scared I am - of failure, of the unknown, of so many details that I don't know where to begin. And then I later found myself telling my roommate about my scheduled 1st Home Study visit (June 5th, pray it up!) and found myself inexplicably grinning. Excitement. Over my home study. That I think I should at least have some nervousness about.
I'm so confused. But I'm pretty sure confusion goes right along with any parenting.
(*I got flak recently from a total stranger for saying "work" instead of "I minister." Honestly, it's semantics. It is my ministry. And I love it. And it's my life's work. And it is hard work. Please don't yell at someone over semantics. Your pastor works at your church. It's his ministry. See? It is work. It's is ministry. It's both. It's semantics. And it's just easier and quicker and often feels a whole lot less pretentious to say "I work." Because I don't see myself as the amazing wonder-woman missionary. I see the people who day-in, day-out, faithfully serve God and share Christ in whatever their circumstance - they are my superheroes.) - Stepping off soapbox.