Doubt

No one could have prepared me for the level of doubt I have encountered the closer I have gotten to parenthood.

The tears.  The fear.

The "Oh my goodness what if the child spikes a fever and I don't have a thermometer and that whole rectal temperature just sounds gross and cruel and how on earth do you potty train boys and what if I get a drug addicted baby that never stops crying and I go back to the crazy-eyed intense insomnia Abigail that forgets everything and fights a constant bad mood that existed in college and I can't keep up and I just end up being really bad at what everyone has always said I'll be really good at and then what and can I really do this, just me and God and a whole lot of caffeine" monologue that starts up right around the time I close my eyes to sleep at night.

I have doubts that I can do this alone.  I have doubts that I will be the kind of parent that I've always envisioned.  That I'll let stress get to me.  Or my house will be a hot mess.  Or I won't have the answers to their questions.  I won't know how to guide them, to show them how to love Jesus and love others.

I have doubts. I have fears.

But they're normal, right?  This is a big deal.  I'm becoming a parent.  To broken kids.  From broken families.

And somehow, through the strength that I can only assume that God will give me, I'll parent and I'll do everything I can to help bring restoration for those kids and their families.

Pair of Ducks

Just call me Bipolar Momma.

Actually, no.  Please don't call me that.

I am living, walking, breathing paradoxes right now.

When I finished my last Foster Parenting class on Tuesday, my instructor asked me if I was excited.  It was clear how she came to that conclusion, I was bouncing, smiling, and chatting excitedly with my classmates.  But what was my response?

"I'm terrified!"  Granted, I was still smiling and excited.  I was both.  Fully and completely.

Welcome to paradox.

Life is filled with them.  We teach children in global transition (I work* in missions) about paradox using a wonderful example from MTI - "Pair of Ducks."  It's having a Yay Duck and a Yuck Duck at the same time.  Excited and scared.  Happy and Sad.  Angry and peaceful.  Those ducks come in handy.  Even adults connect with that "pair of ducks" when they find themselves in life's paradoxes.

Tonight I shared a long list with my roommate and then my Mom about how scared I am - of failure, of the unknown, of so many details that I don't know where to begin.  And then I later found myself telling my roommate about my scheduled 1st Home Study visit (June 5th, pray it up!) and found myself inexplicably grinning.  Excitement.  Over my home study.  That I think I should at least have some nervousness about.

Oh paradox.

I'm so confused.  But I'm pretty sure confusion goes right along with any parenting.



(*I got flak recently from a total stranger for saying "work" instead of "I minister."  Honestly, it's semantics.  It is my ministry.  And I love it.  And it's my life's work.  And it is hard work.  Please don't yell at someone over semantics.  Your pastor works at your church.  It's his ministry.  See? It is work.  It's is ministry.  It's both.  It's semantics.  And it's just easier and quicker and often feels a whole lot less pretentious to say "I work."  Because I don't see myself as the amazing wonder-woman missionary.  I see the people who day-in, day-out, faithfully serve God and share Christ in whatever their circumstance - they are my superheroes.)  - Stepping off soapbox.